Pendulum Squat

The moment I step onto the platform, I feel like I'm on Calypso's island. Nothing but pure bliss. During the exercise, all the of evils escape my body as I experience pain like none other. But I never fear, for Calypso and her succulents are here. After the exercise, I gaze upon the stars with Calypso holding me endearingly, teaching me of the constellations. The feeling dissipates, and I'm suddenly alone again. Wouldn't it be nice to be loved and held?

Hack Squat

As I set my tree trunks in place, I get my rocket thrusters ready. My seismic shakers are now planted, and my pistons have never been this fired up. Every time I go down, I feel like I am submerged within the Earth's core. But my nuclearly explosive fuel drives me straight to outer space, where I get to momentarily raid a space station and fondle with the Ozone layer. Once I land back on planet Earth, I find myself on the Sentinel Islands. Bewildered, I frolic around and eventually encounter the native tribes. I soon become leader of them at the sight of my massive quads, an indication of power.

Barbell Squat

As Tom Platz would say, "There's nothing like squats". I wholly agree, but I prefer a Pendulum or Hack Squat for more stabilization. Or maybe I'm just a lazy bum. Also, my form is probably not too good. Also also, I could never get the bar to rest on my traps very well; my arms just don't bend backward like that. I am actually built terribly wrong. But that's okay. It's okay Kevin. Finally, I had my most embarrassing gym moment with this exercise. The first time I did legs, I was squatting 135 and my form was absolutely abhorrent. Every time I would go up, I would sort of lean forward and my balance was nothing but garbage. During a rep, I failed to correct my balance and I fell forward. Luckily, there were safety bars, but good lord it was loud. So, I believe I have been mortified of Barbell Squats since then.

Romanian Deadlift

I remember the first time doing this exercise. Although I didn't feel much on that day, I will never forget how sore my hamstrings were the day after. Every step and any leg movement caused a ripple of excruciating pain through each and every fiber in the back side of my thighs. In other words, this is the absolute best exercise for hamstrings, and I will continue to destroy them with this exercise. Every time I do this exercise, I squeal with excitement, howling at my mirror image as urine dribbles down my legs. Sorry, I have trouble controlling my bladder when I get to do something so intoxicating and exhilarating.

Leg Extension

My absolute favorite isolated quad exercise. Well, to be fair, it's really the only reasonable isolated quad exercise. But that's besides the point. I'll do so many drop sets of this exercise and go to failure consecutively. The aching pain afterward is so unbearable that I curl into a fetal position. I love the feeling of not being able to walk. Sometimes my legs will tremble as I near failure. But I will continue to do drop set after drop set. My convulsing body is no longer functioning properly. Shaking and quivering, I fall off the machine and patiently wait for the paramedics.

Leg Press

Imagine being squashed between a boulder and a wall. Some might call this being stuck in a hard place. I call it fun. It gets even more fun when you go beyond failure. The voices in my head tell me to do one more rep, and I cave in. As my legs tremor under the weight, I let out a guttural wail to the gods. I managed to finish the rep, but at what cost? I lie there, a deformed husk of a broken man. In my eyes, I am in some sort of mental asylum, unable to move due to the straitjacket put on me. It's as if I have become bedridden for the rest of my life.

Leg Press Calf Raise

In my personal experience, this exercise hits the calves the best. You want to place the balls of your feet at the very bottom of the platform and then simply use your calves to move the platform. Make sure each rep is slow and controlled. This way, you will feel your calves more and their slow but sure annihilation. Afterward, you can just simply rest there and temporarily become someone's memaw, eating your apple custard pie. How delicious!

Deadlift

I've only done deadlifts twice. Never got the form right, so I just stopped. Ultimately, Romanian Deadlifts are far superior for muscle growth and hypertrophy, whereas Deadlifts are for powerlifters who can rep 5x their bodyweight for no reason. I don't have much to say about this exercise, but I have a lot of respect for it. It's just not an exercise I enjoy since I can simply destroy my back completely with my terrible form.

Bulgarian Split Squat

I could write a novel about how much I hate this exercise, and yet I'll still do it. The person who made this workout is absolutely wretched and a madman, but a genius at the same time. The only reason I do this exercise is because it is very effective for your legs. This also gets my glutes very very sore. However, I feel like a neanderthal after doing 2 or more sets of this exercise the way my mind is blank and my body is deprived of oxygen after enduring the most excruciating pain from the most nefarious exercise to exist. I will be needing weekly PTSD therapy sessions if I continue to do this exercise.

Lying Leg Curl

So I do legs twice a week. One day is more hamstring focused while the other is more quadricep focused. However, this exercise manages to be in both. It isn't as efficient as Romanian Deadlifts, but it still gets the job done. Plus, this exercise is much less tiring. Just like the Leg Extension, the Leg Curl is really the only isolated hamstring exercise. However, the Leg Curl has two variants; one is lying, and the other is seated. I'd say that the lying version is superior; it just feels higher quality, and it has a better range of motion.

Seated Machine Calf Raise

I think this exercise is pretty bland; there's not much to say about it, and it does what it is meant to do. So while we're here, let's talk about Frank Ocean. I think I've listened to too much of his music. So much that my neurons no longer fire correctly. But it's okay. Every time I listen to White Ferrari, some of my sanity seems to coalesce again. Frank Ocean's music keeps me from vanishing into thin air. Needless to say, Frank Ocean save my life.

Standing Machine Calf Raise

A slightly more enjoyable exercise than the seated counterpart. But whenever I do this exercise, I get scratch marks on my shoulders, and they don't go away too quickly. By the time it's leg day again, most of the scratches are not completely done healing. Therefore, these scratches stack on each other, and it dissuades me from continuing to do this exercise. I guess my calves are just too powerful for my body to handle, but they sure don't look like anything too great.

Smith Machine Calf Raise

Any exercise that requires a barbell of any sort to be placed on the traps makes me avoid it. As mentioned in the Barbell Squat description, my arms don't bend backward like that. I will admit that I am built wrong, but there's nothing I can do about that. However, I will say that although I despise the Smith Machine, this exercise does look promising and could be higher on someone else's list.

Seated Leg Curl

I find this exercise to be quite uncomfortable. Let's just admit that the lying version is just far better. Alright, now that's that, let's talk about how fast time has been moving. Good golly! As of November 2023, I am 20 years old in my third year of the college experience. I still feel 17 or 18. There is no way I am 20. I refuse to believe so. I don't even look like it; I am an infant. I don't feel old, but I am. How? How? How? I am losing it all. Going mad is an understatement at this point.

Barbell Hip Thrust

I tried this exercise a few times, but you will never ever catch me doing it again. My glutes already blow up from Romanian Deadlifts and Bulgarian Split Squats. And I don't really want a dump trunk; I want big legs. Not to be sexist, but this exercise is primarily done by women, and they can thrust a crazy amount of weight. It's actually absurd. I mean, they can squat more than me too. Life's not fair. It really isn't.

Front Squat

You see, I would question as to why people do this exercise instead of a regular Barbell Squat. However, maybe their arms are also not capable of regular functionality, such as bending backwards enough to hold the bar and place it on their traps. But still, I believe Hack Squats or Pendulum Squats are just so much easier and better and wonderful and mesmerizing and marvelous than any type of squat that uses a barbell. If my opinion offends you, that is okay. You may beat me to a bloody pulp because I honestly need some sort of beating due to how much time I waste.

Goblet Squat

This is just a weird exercise. I've done exactly 5 reps and decided that I will not touch this exercise ever again. Maybe my form was off. Probably. But holding a dumbbell heavy enough like that just tires my upper body much faster than I can tire my legs. But maybe I was holding it wrong. I am neurologically divergent after all. I also get no sleep due to my severe insomnia. I am so lethargic, but it's okay; there are already several damaged nerves in my cranium. It's too late for me; there's no turning back from here.

Smith Machine Squat

Alright, this exercise is unbelievably abhorrent. How horrendous and appalling! This exercise can be replaced by many superior movements. First of all, I can't even place the bar properly on my traps. Next, the movement just feels clunky and too stiff. Given enough time, I probably could get the form down. But why? Why would I? There are far better variations of the squat. I've seen a lot of bodybuilders do this exercise, but they got years and years of experience on me; I've only been going for a year now.

Hyperextension

A bit of an awkward exercise to get into. I've tried, but I just don't like it that much. I understand the importance of this exercise and the lower back, but I don't really care. Maybe that will change as I mature and grow older, but as of right now, this exercise is pretty much nonexistent to me. Also, your lower back does get used quite a bit in Deadlifts and Romanian Deadlifts too, so I think I'm fine. At least, that's what the voices tell me. Kevin is doing fine. He is perfectly fine.

Dumbbell Calf Raise

The last resort. No leg press, no calf machine, and not even a horrendous Smith Machine. The epitome of suboptimal. For this exercise to be here, I would have at least done it once. And I did it once. The most useless feeling ever. Absolutely no range of motion and no balance. You have to worry about balancing the entire time rather than focusing on doing the exercise. What an abomination of an exercise.